Written on Friday evening:
I don’t like it when people talk about brokenness. It’s stupid and usually sounds fake. Because when I think of brokenness I think of Adonirum Judson, missionary to Burma (modern day Mayanmar). Gives up everything to bring the gospel to a place where people have never heard of the fullness of God’s pure holy joy and perfect all-redeeming plan of salvation. Who lost his first wife to health complications. Whose three children had all died within two years of their lives. Who remarried to a woman who shared in the humility of sacrificing comforts and ease to live amongst smelly tribes, in hot humid jungles rampant with illness and risk of imminent death. Who suffered the loss of that same wife and the loss of even more children. Who spent 6 months on a boat at sea in hopes that the salt water air would rid him of illness and disease in order that he could return back to the task for which he felt called by God. THAT is true brokenness.
So often I get upset with the dramatics of my generation who beg for attention by singing, “sweetly broken, wholly surrendered,” at the top of their lungs, “arms high and heart abandoned.” Give me a break. I’m sorry, but I think that’s a little dramatic. Of course I know I’m judgmental. I’ve always recognized and called myself that before, but only now am I realizing how much of my precious time is wasted on my evaluation of other’s motives and relationship choices. Who cares?! What a complete wast of my energy. Gossip destroys not only the subject of gossip. Gossip destroys the gossiper and the listener. It’s foolish and it destroys. It’s a deceptive tool the devil likes to call, “venting.” That’s ridiculous. Lord, may I have the boldness to stand for what is right and just and true and holy in YOUR eyes. Not what is right and just and true and holy in the estimation of my childish friends, of whom I count myself one. So there you have it. I’m a judgmental gossiping fool. And I encourage those reading this rant of mine to learn from my ere and take a look at yourself. If you talk about anyone behind their back in a way that does not bring glory to God, you are guilty of gossip and are lying to yourself and to your creator God who MADE you to reflect his glory. That hurts me so much. To realize what a gift and privilege God has entreated me with and to come to the realization that I waste it and trash it. My stomach and my head hurts right now.
Tonight was kind of fun. Well… eh… I didn’t have a great time. Here, let me put it this way: “It was real, it was fun, but it wasn’t real fun.” That kind of negativity pretty much sums up my night. It was great to see people and hang out, but I have no idea why I was in such a bad mood. Maybe it was the food. Maybe Katelyn’s snicker doodles or Paige’s chocolate-chip cookies that got to my head. Maybe the carbonated Pineapple juice. Maybe the fact that I was a villager twice in werewolves. Maybe because I think there is a guy crushing on the girl who I’m no longer dating but still very much like. Who knows? Because I really have no idea what silly little inconsequential “thing,” for lack of better words, made me so discouraged and produced such a negative attitude in my soul. I’ve been feeling this way for a while. Several people have called me out on this in the past week, amongst other things. My sister called me out on falling asleep in my four-hour-long Spanish class. My mom and dad called me out on not contributing enough around the house. Both Paige Hoddick and Cody Warwick called me out on the fact that I make an overabundance of awful assumptions about people and their perceptions of me. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m a pretty messed up, immature, and completely irresponsible guy. I’ll finish this later. My eyes are going…
(and continuing on Saturday afternoon…)
Man I look like I have it all together. I fool myself into thinking I do sometimes anyways. As I was driving home that night, I came face to face with what an awful person I am. I fully realized how unholy and unworthy I am to even ask the Lord Almighty to let me into his presence. I was extremely mad with the night I had produced for myself and even more angry with myself for other reasons. It was an awful feeling in which I find no hint of pleasure or joy. I want never to feel that way again. Despite how terribly cliched and overused the phrase sounds, I am a broken wretch. I acknowledge that the degree is a fraction of that brokenness which some people experience on a daily basis. So I humble myself in this moment and share with you a piece of myself.
Here is some more pity-party information for you; wallow in it. My financial situation at home is not good. We bought our house at the top of the housing market… right before it failed. Do the math. Because of this, I have to take out all my school loans in my name… That’s $20,000/year. I had trouble finding a cosigner for my loan at first. Thank the Lord who knows all and works all according to his good purpose for those who love him, the one of the signatures went through. So I’m going back to Azusa with empty pockets and a prayer. A prayer of gratitude and relief. Moving on to more pity –> My dad has been diagnosed some years ago with a genetic kidney disorder known as polysystic kidney disease. Basically, a bunch of growths start populating the kidneys and start growing exponentially faster with old age. (and the rest is written on Sunday evening…) Last fall my dad’s neurfrologist (kidney disease doctor) told him he needed a new kidney. Surprisingly enough, this is where things start to look positive. The paper work for receiving a donor is so extensive that the doctors give it to their patients a year in advance in order to have the completion of the paperwork land before the kidney is actually needed. My dad finished the paperwork in 3 months. My dad is awesome. AND a year later he is getting a new kidney… ON HIS BIRTHDAY! September first, you can be praying for my dad as he will be in surgery getting a renewed subscription on life; however, this means he will be out of work for two months, and as the primary financial care-giver of our family, that is a bit devastating. Although my mom is working, it’s really insufficient compared to both of their monthly incomes.
I have been staying up extremely late this past summer and it has done damage to my mental and physical health, and even indirectly, my spiritual health. Because I’m prone to sin (um… duh?), every shortcoming is amplified with a lack of sleep and lack of health. This means I’m much more selfish, judgmental, and make assumptions that much more quickly and thoughtlessly. If you are reading this and I hurt you in anyway, I want to make a confession and ask you for forgiveness. I’m sorry. I can’t do it on my own, and I realize that. I’d appreciate your prayers more then anything in the world. You don’t have to let me know you’re praying, just do. As you can tell from this post, I’ve been in a sort of negative spiral, and it all came to a head with these experiences.
Now on a positive note. A few things: I’ve worked out some issues with a dear friend of mine. There is an understanding on both sides and an excitement for what God has in store for us both as individuals. I had a conversation with her tonight and it was full of grace and understanding and although the hurt is still present in us both, I couldn’t be more happy with where we stand now, and I think she might feel the same way. I believe both of us walked away with joy in our hearts and a final contentment about the matter. Big breath of relief. The Lord, he is God. I’m going back to Azusa! Many new and exciting things are happening this coming year and I can’t wait to be a part of them. I’m in a show (my first non-musical) called The Philadelphia Story and I have a main role. Awesome. My choral director was just accepted into the American Choral Director Association, which means APU Man Choir will be doing some excellent and prestigious performances this up and coming year. Can’t wait. Many of my old friends including Jeff Asper, Cameron Szcemka, Lauren Thompson, John Foster, Kensee Hobson, to name a few, are either coming or transferring to Azusa. So stoked. I’m living with two awesome roommates, Chris Speed and Andrew Keahey, and next to three of my closest friends at Azusa, Garrett Graves, Adam Rupp, and Shayfer Wayne. Can’t contain my excitement. I’m hoping that the Lord uses me this year, and have no expectations. The Lord, he is God. My dad is FINALLY getting a new kidney! AND it’s from a good friend of ours… AND it’s on my dad’s BIRTHDAY! The Lord, he is God. And besides all of this, the Lord is working on my heart and shaping me into a man after HIS own heart. I’m learning and experiencing so much, and knowing full well that I haven’t arrived and won’t ever truly arrive till that day Jesus Christ calls me home, I do know that what little I’m experiencing NOW is a huge part of the man of God I so desire to become. The Lord, he is truly God.
So this post started out negative and ended positive. Sorry I don’t have any scripture right now to quote. The truth and reason is I am actually writing in the dark. I’m a HUGE advocate for God’s spoken Word. In fact, I think it should be the topic of or at least mentioned in every “sermon” or “teaching” that happens to be preached. I just don’t have a light right now, thank you to Paige Alyn Hoddick (www.paigealynhoddick.wordpress.com) who forgot to lend me her macbook pro charger tonight. =]
Oh! And the title. I learned in my Psychology class in high school (thank you to Mr. Clay, most passionate teacher ever) that true love is undisclosed exposure. Revealing things about yourself to people regardless of what they might think of you afterward. That’s what I’m doing. So, in other words, I’m trying to love everyone who reads this. Or just everyone. I may fail time and time again, but I will get better at it with each day I wake up, God help me.
ONE more thing. True love is more then undisclosed exposure. True love is this: “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” There is some scripture for ya.
So if I don’t see ya soon, “…good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight.” -Truman